day one.

i'm back on meds again. for depression. prescribed to me by my gynecologist.
and was told that i was overweight--however, my cervix looks great!

(wow. i wish that i could get excited about that one. too bad no one sees my cervix but her. i have this vision that i would look really, really good if the rest of me looked as good as my cervix. nice and trim, a little tan perhaps.)

in honor of my depression, and my flabby stomach (whom i want to so desperately name jennifer, or some redundant 80's name, just so that if it ever goes away, i can say "thank god, jennifer's FINALLY left"), i came home and ate a package of ramen noodles.
then i baked, and subsequently ate, a box of au gratin potatoes.
then i took a nap for two and a half hours.
woke up and made homemade meatballs and alfredo. and ate approximately eight of them slathered in the best sauce of all time.
and now, i have indegestion.

serious part:
i'm being told by my gynecologist that i'm depressed. shocker.
after having to quit my job because my boss had an affinity for taking credit for anything good and passing the buck on anything bad, and not getting a raise for three years, does something to you. quitting after she told my district manager that i was to blame for thousands of dollars of merchandise being stolen didn't help either. in fact, that just sped up my decision.
i also have anxiety. indicative of staying in the house day in and day out with my son because i'm too terrified to leave the house for fear of being judged because i'm not as thin as other mothers. the fact that my son likes to yell "FUUUUUUH!!!"at the top of his lungs in jo-ann fabrics doesn't help either (i suggest going outside and yelling it. you tell me what it sounds like). i personally think that it's a little funny, but the old ladies shopping for plastic canvas and couch fabric judge.
also, i don't feel a connection to my husband anymore. i feel more like a baby sitter who cooks and cleans, and get's chastised mentally when she's not on top of her game with the laundry or the dishes(of course, that's unfounded verbally. he's never said anything. it's just the guilt i feel that i am not a productive member of this family).

there are things that i want to get out of this blog. i do not have the time to go to a therapist. i'm looking to write down the process of this new medicine and see if it's working.
perhaps, i can get a grip on my subconscious. find out why i'm so angry. i know i am. i can feel it. i couldn't explain why, though.
i want to feel better about my place in the family that i've created without having a "paying" job.
have less fear about the future and more joy in the moment. realize i'm not going to live forever and be okay with that.
get happy, get energy, so that i get out of the house. feel better about my life so that i can enjoy the time i have with my child.

side affects, maybe?:
i took my first pill at 1:30pm. made me very sleepy.
i then took a vitamin.
i've also gone to the bathroom three times since, but i'll blame that on the vitamin.
it's late and i'm should go to bed, though i'm not tired.

and i still have indigestion. damn.