day three.

i just took my pill. about a half hour ago anyway. i'm thinking that the night might be the best time. and last night being the first time i took it at night, i did not have my usual freak out about death or dying, however, i might tonight since i am thinking about it now. see. that's the thing with trying to pay attention to your actions. you really start to notice when you do them. so for instance, when i don't remember to freak about about something and then i remember that i didn't freak out about it, then i probably will start to cause now i'm thinking about it.

comprendo? no? me neither.

today started early, the same as yesterday. but instead of sleeping on the couch while the baby ate, i just drank coffee and sat on facebook for four hours. fuck. i hate myself. i don't need to be on that fucking thing so much. i wish i could just forget about the whole thing entirely. but then what good would that do really? make me feel more lonely than i already do, i'm guessing.

and that list i wrote yesterday? yeah. about that. i got about ten christmas cards printed, only four addressed and filled out, two loads of laundry completed (at least that's DONE now....minus the folding and putting away part) and did the dishes in the sink while my hashbrowns cooked. i didn't, however, do the comforter (which is sitting right next to me......gag), or anything else. i have, however, been obsessed about getting the pictures together for the calender, the whole time just KNOWING i'm going to have to deal with melena being a fucking asshole about it. "there's not enough pictures of connor (she doesn't give a shit about logan, let's be honest) and the size of the pictures and how old they are and blah blah blah". fucking jerk. DISLIKE her. so, somehow, i'm going to need to evenly distribue 35 photographs of 7 children (not too hard, five a piece) but then they're are photo's of them together. how do you split that shit up? ugh. this might be too much for a 17 dollar christmas present.

tomorrow. i really, really, need to get out of the house tomorrow. i don't even go get the MAIL that's how much of a hermit i've turned into. AND i'm pretty sure that i can't remember the last time i showered. FUN! tomorrow will be thursday, and i think it might have been friday. of last week. woopsie.

so. first thing tomorrow. i need to ball that baby up, throw him in his stroller, throw my sneakers on, and go for a walk. because this isn't good. for either of us.

and then work. unless, i can get kim to cover my shift. i'm sure she would. she's that much of a suckbag.

day two.

well, today started pretty early. and since I didn't go to bed until one, getting up at eight was hard, but surprisingly, with energy. coffee gave me a bit more and after putzing around on facebook while the baby ate breakfast and then took off cleaning the house and doing laundry.

i'm not naieve to think that it's just the pill getting my ass in gear, but i'm also not too naieve to think that it had nothing to do with it either.

aaannnnd i dyed my hair brown today. one of those all over color plus highlighting kits. i left the highlights out for a bit. i'm gonna see how much I like this before i go effing it up again with more bleach.

we also took our christmas photo today in front of the tree. we'll see how the editing process goes tomorrow. my goal for tomorrow is to finish laundry, fold and put away. and get the christmas cards sent out. mayyybeee even work on mum and dads christmas present. maybe.

oh and i think i want to wrap some presents tomorrow. and bring the spare bedrooms comforter to a dry cleaner due to cat vomit. how fun.

and if that's not annoying enough, i'm probably going to have to meet the new god damn neighbors tomororrow. fuck.

day one.

i'm back on meds again. for depression. prescribed to me by my gynecologist.
and was told that i was overweight--however, my cervix looks great!

(wow. i wish that i could get excited about that one. too bad no one sees my cervix but her. i have this vision that i would look really, really good if the rest of me looked as good as my cervix. nice and trim, a little tan perhaps.)

in honor of my depression, and my flabby stomach (whom i want to so desperately name jennifer, or some redundant 80's name, just so that if it ever goes away, i can say "thank god, jennifer's FINALLY left"), i came home and ate a package of ramen noodles.
then i baked, and subsequently ate, a box of au gratin potatoes.
then i took a nap for two and a half hours.
woke up and made homemade meatballs and alfredo. and ate approximately eight of them slathered in the best sauce of all time.
and now, i have indegestion.

serious part:
i'm being told by my gynecologist that i'm depressed. shocker.
after having to quit my job because my boss had an affinity for taking credit for anything good and passing the buck on anything bad, and not getting a raise for three years, does something to you. quitting after she told my district manager that i was to blame for thousands of dollars of merchandise being stolen didn't help either. in fact, that just sped up my decision.
i also have anxiety. indicative of staying in the house day in and day out with my son because i'm too terrified to leave the house for fear of being judged because i'm not as thin as other mothers. the fact that my son likes to yell "FUUUUUUH!!!"at the top of his lungs in jo-ann fabrics doesn't help either (i suggest going outside and yelling it. you tell me what it sounds like). i personally think that it's a little funny, but the old ladies shopping for plastic canvas and couch fabric judge.
also, i don't feel a connection to my husband anymore. i feel more like a baby sitter who cooks and cleans, and get's chastised mentally when she's not on top of her game with the laundry or the dishes(of course, that's unfounded verbally. he's never said anything. it's just the guilt i feel that i am not a productive member of this family).

there are things that i want to get out of this blog. i do not have the time to go to a therapist. i'm looking to write down the process of this new medicine and see if it's working.
perhaps, i can get a grip on my subconscious. find out why i'm so angry. i know i am. i can feel it. i couldn't explain why, though.
i want to feel better about my place in the family that i've created without having a "paying" job.
have less fear about the future and more joy in the moment. realize i'm not going to live forever and be okay with that.
get happy, get energy, so that i get out of the house. feel better about my life so that i can enjoy the time i have with my child.

side affects, maybe?:
i took my first pill at 1:30pm. made me very sleepy.
i then took a vitamin.
i've also gone to the bathroom three times since, but i'll blame that on the vitamin.
it's late and i'm should go to bed, though i'm not tired.

and i still have indigestion. damn.